「我冇安全感」—你係邊種依戀？ 愛情顧問解說

Introduction

"Do you not love me anymore?"

How many times have Hong Kong couples said this line? Your boyfriend takes three hours to reply on WhatsApp, and you've already scripted an entire drama in your head: Is he talking to someone else? Is he starting to find me annoying? Are we about to break up?

You think you simply "lack a sense of security" — but have you ever wondered why, in the very same relationship, one person can feel completely at ease while another worries day in and day out?

Psychology has an answer: a big part of your "sense of security" was decided long before you ever started dating.

Attachment Theory: Your Blueprint for Love Was Drawn in Childhood

In the 1950s, British psychologist John Bowlby introduced Attachment Theory. He found that the patterns of interaction between an infant and their caregiver become internalised into an "internal working model" that we unconsciously carry into our intimate relationships as adults.

Simply put: the way you were loved as a child is the way you love as an adult.

In romantic relationships, this pattern roughly breaks down into three styles:

The Anxious Style: The One Who Chases

• Fears their partner doesn't love them and needs constant reassurance
• Demands instant replies, checks their partner's phone, and loves to "test" them
• The moment their partner goes cold, they spiral into panic: "They don't want me anymore."

The anxious style usually traces back to a caregiver whose love was "on and off" — sometimes warm and affectionate, sometimes distant. That inconsistency taught you one thing: "You have to hold on tight to love, or it will slip away."

So as an adult, you're not "too clingy" — you're re-enacting that childhood fear of being abandoned.

The Avoidant Style: The One Who Gets Chased

• Fears getting too close — the more their partner leans in, the more they want to pull away
• Champions "independence," and dislikes checking in or sharing feelings
• At the first sign of conflict wants to "take a breather" — when really they want to escape

The avoidant style usually traces back to a childhood of being told to "be good, be independent, don't rely on others." They learned: "Depending on people is dangerous; only relying on yourself is safe."

So as an adult, it's not that you "don't love them" — you're afraid of that suffocating feeling of being needed and depended on.

The Secure Style: The Steady One

• Trusts their partner without losing themselves
• Can be close and independent at the same time
• Can talk through conflict honestly without losing control

These are the people we call "secure." The love they received as children was stable and reliable, so they don't need to hold on for dear life — and they don't need to run away.

Anxious × Avoidant: The Most Common Painful Pairing

Here's a cruel truth: the anxious and the avoidant are constantly drawn to each other.

When the anxious type meets the avoidant type, they think, "They're so charming, so independent, so hard to pin down" — that feeling of "not being able to catch them" triggers exactly the feeling you knew as a child. When the avoidant type meets the anxious type, they think, "They're so passionate, so devoted, so in need of me" — that feeling of "being needed" temporarily fills the emptiness inside them.

But once they're together, it's a disaster:

• The more the anxious partner leans in, the more suffocated the avoidant partner feels, and the more they want to run
• The more the avoidant partner runs, the more panicked the anxious partner gets, and the harder they chase
• Until one cries "You don't love me" and the other cries "You won't give me any space"

Psychology calls this cycle the "anxious-avoidant trap."

Here's the key point: in this trap, no one is the bad guy. Both people are unconsciously re-enacting their childhood wounds — one protects themselves by chasing, the other by running.

Three Signs You Don't Have Enough Security

① Checking Their Phone and Location

The stated reason: "I just want to know if they're lying to me."

The real fear: "I don't believe I deserve to be loved, so I look for proof that they'll leave me."

The problem is, if you check their phone and find nothing, you won't feel relieved (you'll just think you "haven't found it yet"). If you do find something, you'll be even more devastated. Either way, you lose.

② Demanding Instant Replies

The stated reason: "It's about respect — how hard is it to reply to a message?"

The real fear: "I need to confirm every moment that you're still here. If you reply one second late, it means you might have left."

The problem is, you're not asking for "respect" — you're asking for a "guarantee." But no one in love can give you a 100% guarantee. Even if they reply instantly, you'll eventually find something else to be afraid of.

③ Constantly Testing Your Partner

Throwing tantrums out of nowhere, suddenly threatening to break up, deliberately not replying to see if they'll come coax you back — these are all "tests."

The stated reason: "I want to know how much they love me."

The real fear: "I don't believe they love me, so I need them to prove it over and over."

The problem is that testing can become addictive. This time they coax you back; next time you'll need them to try even harder — until one day they're exhausted and actually leave. Then you'll say, "See? I knew they'd leave" — but you didn't "predict it coming true," you personally pushed them into making it happen.

Their Responsibility vs. Your Own Work

Let's be clear here, because a lot of people hear "you have to build your own security" and misunderstand it as "so the other person doesn't have to do anything." That's completely wrong.

In a healthy relationship, your partner does have responsibilities:

• Consistency and reliability: do what you say you'll do, and don't swing between hot and cold
• Transparency: no need for secrecy — give the other person peace of mind
• Respect for your feelings: even if they think you're "overthinking," they shouldn't brush you off with a simple "you're overthinking it"

But you also have your own work to do:

Even if your partner does all of the above, if you're anxious by nature, you'll still find something to fear. Because the root of "not feeling secure" isn't "they don't do enough" — it's "I don't believe I deserve to be loved."

This is a cruel but crucial distinction: half of your sense of security comes from your partner, and the other half is something you have to forge yourself. If you stake 100% of it on the other person, you'll never feel safe — because you don't even trust yourself.

Five Ways to Forge Your Own Sense of Security

1. Know Your Own Attachment Style

Once you know you're anxious, the next time you feel afraid, a little voice can remind you: "Wait — this might just be my pattern, not something that's actually happening." That awareness alone is the first step to change.

2. Stop Testing, Just Ask

If you want to know whether they love you, just ask: "I'm feeling a bit unsettled today — can you tell me you're still here?" — instead of "testing" them with tantrums and break-up threats.

Remember: the "coaxing" you get from testing will diminish over time. The communication you get from honesty is what actually accumulates.

3. Build Your Self-Worth

The underlying logic of security is: "Without them, I can still live well" — not "without them, I'll die."

So build a life of your own — work, friends, interests, goals. The bigger your world, the healthier the proportion of love within it, and the less you'll feel the world spin over a single sentence from one person.

4. Express Your Needs Directly, Don't Make Them Guess

"I'd like you to reply faster, because I get worried" — that solves a problem.

"Do you not love me anymore?" — that creates one.

The former gives your partner something concrete to act on; the latter only makes them defensive, dismissive, or resentful.

5. Practise Self-Soothing

When anxiety surges, ask yourself two questions first:

• "What are the facts?" (They haven't replied in three hours. The fact is "they haven't replied" — not "they're talking to someone else.")
• "What am I afraid of?" (You're afraid of "being abandoned," not "this specific thing.")

Separate the facts from the fear, and the intensity of your anxiety will drop by half on the spot.

Closing Thoughts

A sense of security doesn't fall from the sky, and it's not a gift your partner hands you. It's an understanding the two of you build together — they do their part (reliability, transparency, respect), and you do yours (self-worth, honest communication, self-soothing).

If you keep going round in circles in the "chase and run" cycle until you're both exhausted, why not talk to a LoveWise love advisor? Find out which attachment style each of you is, and how to break out of the loop together.

Talk to a LoveWise love advisor — we're always here to talk 💕